[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
You Might Also Like
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Body by Oreos
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.