Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
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UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
I am HOWLING at this
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive