Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
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The point of your 20s
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.