me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
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Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together