My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
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wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
This was the best day of my life
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened