*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
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The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
God has abandoned us.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?