I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
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Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot