Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
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I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
If you’re testing me, we failed.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.