I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
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i could never be president. im overqualified.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..