Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
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My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
thanksgiving in nutshell
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control