Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
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6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Ugh but profoundly