Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
You Might Also Like
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans