This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
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For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.