I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
You Might Also Like
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Krampus.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.