Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
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I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.