Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
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My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand