I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
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[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Never be a pizza!
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.