[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
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I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Somebody call the cops.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.