A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
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Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].