Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
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Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
The asteroid..
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
what do you want!!!!!!!!