Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
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2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
My patience has stretch marks.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen