Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
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When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.