Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
You Might Also Like
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
@funTweeters
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”