Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
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Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Möther may I have a snäck
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses