If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
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Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
This dude got his own movie?
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
barbara was highly relatable
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.