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“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
“I’m helping” 😅
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.