“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
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A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
How can I say no to this ?
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”