Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
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At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.