therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
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Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?