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My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Oceanography is all about current events
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.