“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
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You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Hell yeah 👍
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
I would like even faster food.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me