Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
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“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY