[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
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“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
who did the taste test?