I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
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Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Damn what did I do next
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.