[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
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My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.