Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
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Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”