I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
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Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Reporter: *ports again*
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.