I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
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[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.