If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
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“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*