You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
You Might Also Like
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.