We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
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I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Great Canadian literature.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet