McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
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[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that