In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
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Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.