Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
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Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
This chloroform smells expensiv…
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
good for her
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay