[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
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scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.