If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
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[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.