This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
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being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
WWE is French for “yes”
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember