Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
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Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Oh, I bet you would be
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
The prophecy is fulfilled
Saw your ex at the shops
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Important reminders