Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
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[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…