[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
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we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Something Saturday.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.